Things Carlos Tévez Would Probably Rather Do Than Play Football

Host and perform at an Ann Summers’ party.
The laundry from the Rugby World Cup.
Run around a Sainsbury’s car park squealing like a piglet.
Open a pub in Wales called ‘The Bull and Chinstrap’.
Make two hundred origami swans.
Go potholing with serial killers.
Stand silently, staring at his back garden, as the sun sets.
Buy ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ memorabilia on eBay.
Sing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ 22 times in a row at a karaoke bar.
Start a diary.
Start a dairy.
See how many t-shirts he can wear at one time.
Wander lonely as a cloud.
A 2,000-piece jigsaw of a horse.
Watch the first season of ‘Freaks & Geeks’.
Worry about which wood varnish to use on his fence.
An internet search for ‘wood varnish fence’.
Ride roughshod over something.
Down a yard of baked beans.
Read.
Spoil the end of ‘Harry Potter’ for someone who didn’t know.
Carve “CT 4 EVA” into a large oak tree in Alderley Edge.
Label everything in his house ‘Carlos’ Mug’, Carlos’ Spoon’, etc.
Speak with an affected accent.
Make a mold of his right leg and fill it with tangerines.
Scan all his old photographs into his laptop.
Use a microscope to look at a grain of rice.
See his family.

Mario Balotelli’s Smile Looks Out of Place

Last week, the ever excellent The Equaliser blog posted a story contending Mario Balotelli is compelling as a dramtic protagonist in football (go read it, I’ll wait). The argument is well made and identifies my own enjoyment in finding the characters and stories in football’s narrative. However, as I thought on Balotelli this week, one aspect did not sit easily, highlighted when the article draws a comparison from players like Asprilla, Cantona and Di Canio. What struck me about those players, as polarizing as they often were, was I never doubted they loved playing football. When I watch Balotelli, I’m not sure whether he enjoys it and there is a depressing element to watching any talented 20-year old appear so dejected when playing a game.

Hopes & Expectations: January Frontmen

The January transfer window was defined by clubs throwing caution, and sack loads of used fifty pound notes, to the wind. So what did all that money buy and what can reasonably be expected from the top five wallet-emptying forwards?

Darren Bent, Aston Villa (cost £18m, rising to £24m)

Expectation: Four key goals. Villa are just five points clear of relegation and still twelve from the safety of forty points, which adds up to four key wins. If Bent can provide vital goals to get those wins he’s paid for his transfer fee. Simple. A winning goal against Fulham at home on Saturday would be a great start.
Hope: Another fifteen goals to match his tally from last season would make him the bargain of the window (if he’s not already). Ideally, he could also bring the best out of Ashley Young, Stewart Downing and Gabby Agbonlahor. A new England front four?

Fernando Torres, Chelsea (cost a cool £50m)

Expectation: Stay fit, stay in form and stay classy (less of the ‘I’m at a big club now’ talk). If Torres can continue to look like the recently invigorated player, scoring three in his last four games, Chelsea could well threaten a late title tilt, or at least a serious run in the European Cup. However, if he starts challenging Nicolas Anelka for most infantile strop, watch out Blues’ fans.
Hope: If he can score another eleven, bringing his season total to twenty, he could effectively force Didier Drogba and Anelka to move on at the end of the season, leaving him as heir apparent to the new free-spending Chelski. Roll on the roubles.

Luis Suarez, Liverpool (cost £22.8m)

Expectation: Though scoring for fun in the Dutch Eredivisie (81 goals in 110 games, since 07/08 with Ajax), Liverpool fans may want to consider Dirk Kuyt also had a similarly impressive scoring record there before his move to the Reds (71 goals in 101 games over three years with Feyenoord). Perhaps expectations should be as modest as settling into the team quickly and offering to work hard, something Kuyt knows well. Oh, and don’t bite anyone.
Hope: That unlike Kuyt, Suarez can actually hit a barn door from six yards and scores some goals. Torres accounted for almost a third of Liverpool’s league goals so far; what better way to make the Kop forget about it’s Spanish fling than matching that.

Edin Džeko, Manchester City (cost £27m)

Expectation: Make an impact on the first eleven. Not earth-shattering, but plenty of forwards have tried and failed at City in recent years. With such a rotating squad and fluid tactics, ‘The Lamppost’ (‘Kloc’ back home in Bosnia) will do well to keep in first team consideration and better that next season.
Hope: That he develops into the perfect foil for Carlos Tevez. He appears to have a great first touch (see his assist against Wolves on his debut) and already scored in the FA Cup. If he can strike up an understanding with the wee Argentinean, his name might be guaranteed second on the team sheet.

Andy Carroll, Liverpool (cost £35m)

Expectation: What do you expect from a 22 year old who’s halfway through a decent debut season in the Premier League and suddenly becomes the club record signing? A bit of humility might be a start. The price was mental, but mitigating circumstances were involved. But not many Liverpool fans will be excited to hear him say he didn’t want to leave Newcastle.
Hope: That he can somehow justify the outlay; be it in assists, goals, or simply avoiding Liverpool Crown Court for a while. He may also want to watch where he parks his Range Rover.