Things Carlos Tévez Would Probably Rather Do Than Play Football

Beautiful Horse Jigsaw

Host and perform at an Ann Summers’ party.
The laundry from the Rugby World Cup.
Run around a Sainsbury’s car park squealing like a piglet.
Open a pub in Wales called ‘The Bull and Chinstrap’.
Make two hundred origami swans.
Go potholing with serial killers.
Stand silently, staring at his back garden, as the sun sets.
Buy ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ memorabilia on eBay.
Sing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ 22 times in a row at a karaoke bar.
Start a diary.
Start a dairy.
See how many t-shirts he can wear at one time.
Wander lonely as a cloud.
A 2,000-piece jigsaw of a horse.
Watch the first season of ‘Freaks & Geeks’.
Worry about which wood varnish to use on his fence.
An internet search for ‘wood varnish fence’.
Ride roughshod over something.
Down a yard of baked beans.
Spoil the end of ‘Harry Potter’ for someone who didn’t know.
Carve “CT 4 EVA” into a large oak tree in Alderley Edge.
Label everything in his house ‘Carlos’ Mug’, Carlos’ Spoon’, etc.
Speak with an affected accent.
Make a mold of his right leg and fill it with tangerines.
Scan all his old photographs into his laptop.
Use a microscope to look at a grain of rice.
See his family.


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