Tag Archives: arsenal

The World’s Greatest Striker is Available for Transfer

boots made for walking

It is unusual to have the world’s greatest striker openly available for transfer, but that will be the situation this summer. No, I’m not talking about the extraordinary Cristiano Ronaldo rumours to City, or Carlos Tevez whining his way to Spain; but the news that Nicklas Bendtner’s Dad said he might be about to do one. Now I realize my facetiousness perhaps mislead you with that tempting article title, but young Nicklas has gained a certain amount of notoriety for his bullish confidence in his abilities. As such, I feel it only fair to describe him as he would like to be described, upon the news of his imminent availability.

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The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Men Go Often Askew

Inevitably, in the aftermath of Arsenal’s utterly preposterous draw-snatched-from-the-jaws-of-victory against Liverpool (not to be confused with the utterly preposterous draw against Newcastle in February), the teeth-gnashing, finger-pointing and post-mortems have begun. Despite still being mathematically able to win the Premier League, a déjà vu depression has settled across blogs and fan forums, as it has the last few years. Yet Arsenal fans should steel their jaws and try to enjoy the comedy of errors for what it is – pure sports entertainment. Watching Arsenal the last two months may not be conducive to holding a full pint, reducing swear-box contributions, or keeping your TV screen clear of embedded debris; but these trials and tribulations will make the inevitable moment of triumph that much sweeter.

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Haiku Match Previews of this Weekend’s Games

Arsenal v Blackburn

Mad Jens starts in goal.
Lets in three and gets sent off.
Does Seaman still play?

West Ham v Manchester United

Fergie predicting
the ref will have a nightmare.
That guarantees it.

West Brom v Liverpool

Hodgson wondering:
‘Do they still think about me?’
Most have forgotten.

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The Ghost of Andrey Arshavin

Ghost at the Grove
There are those who say it is a marketing ploy. Something to tell the kids on those long North London nights. Others however, have provided disturbing recollections and vow never to return until the ground is free of its phantom. Is there an apparition in Ashburton Grove?

There is a growing library of stories of unusual happenings in the vicinity of the Arsenal Left Wing. Reports vary from feeling cold spots throughout the area, to others claiming to have seen size five orbs, seemingly moving on their own, but with no one on the end of them. One spine-chilling account recalls seeing a spectre with “a face like a banshee, twisted in pain, its tongue protruding at an unnatural angle. Oh, and it had a finger to its lips”.

One local historian upon hearing the tale, suggested that in life the phantom may have originally been from Russia, lured to England by stories of fame and riches. It was not uncommon for merchant ships traveling to Spain, Portugal or Britain, to contain opportunistic souls, hoping to find work as mercenaries. However, many became disillusioned with the reality of the daily grind abroad. Enthusiasm waned and ambitions stagnated, as work seemed no kinder, or more rewarding, away from home.

Intrigued by these accounts, I enlisted the help of a medium, to see if we could make contact with this particular lost soul. Walking along the Left Wing, it wasn’t long before my colleague began to report feeling disoriented, as if no matter which way he turned he could not find an outlet, or escape. This was particularly strong nearer the goal line. At this time we seemed to make contact with the wraith. The presence transmitted that it felt trapped in a kind of purgatory; unwilling to return home and admit defeat, but unable to fulfill it’s wish of resting in peace upon a Catalonian shore.

Towards the end of our visit with this tormented soul, we attempted to collect an electronic voice phenomenon (EVP), to see if we may aid its journey to the other side. As we listened back to the recording, straining against the hissing background noise, I could swear I heard a disembodied voice say: “Despondency is a sin”. Or it might have been: “a pig is always the last one, because it is a pig”. Spooky.