Category Archives: English Premier League

Things Carlos Tévez Would Probably Rather Do Than Play Football

Beautiful Horse Jigsaw

Host and perform at an Ann Summers’ party.
The laundry from the Rugby World Cup.
Run around a Sainsbury’s car park squealing like a piglet.
Open a pub in Wales called ‘The Bull and Chinstrap’.
Make two hundred origami swans.
Go potholing with serial killers.
Stand silently, staring at his back garden, as the sun sets.
Buy ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ memorabilia on eBay.
Sing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ 22 times in a row at a karaoke bar.
Start a diary.
Start a dairy.
See how many t-shirts he can wear at one time.
Wander lonely as a cloud.
A 2,000-piece jigsaw of a horse.
Watch the first season of ‘Freaks & Geeks’.
Worry about which wood varnish to use on his fence.
An internet search for ‘wood varnish fence’.
Ride roughshod over something.
Down a yard of baked beans.
Read.
Spoil the end of ‘Harry Potter’ for someone who didn’t know.
Carve “CT 4 EVA” into a large oak tree in Alderley Edge.
Label everything in his house ‘Carlos’ Mug’, Carlos’ Spoon’, etc.
Speak with an affected accent.
Make a mold of his right leg and fill it with tangerines.
Scan all his old photographs into his laptop.
Use a microscope to look at a grain of rice.
See his family.

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How I Will Write my Super Mega Soaraway Premier League Preview

soaraway writing

Always start at the top. Manchester United, they’re good aren’t they? I’ll start off by asking rhetorically if you’ve forgotten how good there are, even though they just won the league a couple of months ago. I’ll remind you to not write them off, which you were no doubt going to do. They’re still quite good. It’s true. They have Rooney and Chimichanga. They are dangerous. But, ‘what about Chelsea?’ you won’t say. Ha, they’re old I’ll say. Wait, but they have a young manager, who is like José Mourinho’s brother, so maybe he can win it all. That would be something. I bet Torres won’t score until the third or fourth game (that’s a good idea for another article). They’ll never get that money back (unless they do in shirt sales or something).

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Ten Years Asleep

gentleman jim moyes

David Moyes is about to enter his tenth full season as Everton manager, but the club remains the Premier League’s sleeping giant. When he arrived his reputation was on the rise as a no-nonsense and tenacious manager. More recently, Moyes has drifted into a pragmatic high school teacher role, who watches his star pupils move onwards and upwards. What opportunity is he waiting for, or is it too late?

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Questioning Corporate Kits

Nothing says ‘off-season’ quite like the media coverage given to Adidas’ decision to incorporate blue in Liverpool’s third kit for the upcoming campaign. Apparently, 70% of internet-based Liverpool fans are opposed to the colour scheme, the inference being blue is for Everton. So on the face of it, an apparent far-reaching, Toffee-based conspiracy is in the works; perhaps Adidas’ retaliation for Liverpool’s decision to wear hockey shirts the year after next.

However, I would suggest the Everton accusation is a crimson-hued sardine of sorts; the blue in question is not Everton’s royal blue, but actually shirt sponsor Standard Chartered’s ‘Off-shore Caribbean Tax Haven Cyan’. And whereas some Reds’ supporters think Adidas have deliberately fouled up their design brief, sadly it appears they hit it bang on the head. Assuming the brief was: ‘make our corporate log into a tight-fitting, wallet-lightening shirt, which we can give away every time someone in Asia opens a bank account’.

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The World’s Greatest Striker is Available for Transfer

boots made for walking

It is unusual to have the world’s greatest striker openly available for transfer, but that will be the situation this summer. No, I’m not talking about the extraordinary Cristiano Ronaldo rumours to City, or Carlos Tevez whining his way to Spain; but the news that Nicklas Bendtner’s Dad said he might be about to do one. Now I realize my facetiousness perhaps mislead you with that tempting article title, but young Nicklas has gained a certain amount of notoriety for his bullish confidence in his abilities. As such, I feel it only fair to describe him as he would like to be described, upon the news of his imminent availability.

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That Difficult First Phone Call to Fernando Torres (Since He Left)

Hello, Fernando? Yeah, it’s me. How are you? I’m fine. Hey, look I just wanted to get in touch, because I know that the last time we saw it each other it was, er, well, a bit awkward. Right? So, I just wanted to kind of clear the air; maybe get some things off my chest? Well, actually I think it would help us both. My therapist thinks it will help me, at least.

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The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Men Go Often Askew

Inevitably, in the aftermath of Arsenal’s utterly preposterous draw-snatched-from-the-jaws-of-victory against Liverpool (not to be confused with the utterly preposterous draw against Newcastle in February), the teeth-gnashing, finger-pointing and post-mortems have begun. Despite still being mathematically able to win the Premier League, a déjà vu depression has settled across blogs and fan forums, as it has the last few years. Yet Arsenal fans should steel their jaws and try to enjoy the comedy of errors for what it is – pure sports entertainment. Watching Arsenal the last two months may not be conducive to holding a full pint, reducing swear-box contributions, or keeping your TV screen clear of embedded debris; but these trials and tribulations will make the inevitable moment of triumph that much sweeter.

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