Always start at the top. Manchester United, they’re good aren’t they? I’ll start off by asking rhetorically if you’ve forgotten how good there are, even though they just won the league a couple of months ago. I’ll remind you to not write them off, which you were no doubt going to do. They’re still quite good. It’s true. They have Rooney and Chimichanga. They are dangerous. But, ‘what about Chelsea?’ you won’t say. Ha, they’re old I’ll say. Wait, but they have a young manager, who is like José Mourinho’s brother, so maybe he can win it all. That would be something. I bet Torres won’t score until the third or fourth game (that’s a good idea for another article). They’ll never get that money back (unless they do in shirt sales or something).
Manchester City are so nouveau riche this year. All their players cost loads so there is tons of pressure on them. Of course it’s sometimes hard to notice all the pressure they’re under when they drive maseratis to the Curry Mile, but believe me it’s pretty intense. It’s why Mancini is going grey and why they all hate living there. I thought the Arndale Centre was alright.
For Liverpool I’m going to ask: ‘is this their year?’ Then answer that with: ‘probably not no, but it’ll be okay.’ I have a joke about them playing ten midfielders in a 0-10-0 formation (sort that one out Zonal Marking!). That’ll do. They might be good, they might be shit, depends doesn’t it?
I reckon at this point I’ll make a pretty salient point about the nature of the North London derby teams – Arsenal and Tottenham – and how it perhaps reflects upon the cyclical nature of not just sports, but our own relationship with our pastimes and interests; how everything has a time and place, yet carries on relentlessly around us. That or I’ll say Arsenal can’t win nowt with kids and ‘Arry Redknapp will wheeler-dealer six players into the squad on the transfer deadline. Job’s a good ‘un.
Urgh, now I’ve got the middle teams who are too boring to write much about. Fulham, Stoke, West Brom Sunderland, Everton – it’s just an amorphous blob of squared-headed defenders and a big tall lad up front. They will all get knocked out of the cups early, so they can concentrate on something else.
The promoted teams can become my predicted relegated teams. That was easy. Oh wait, I should probably mix it up a bit and switch one for another team who just scraped by last year. I reckon
Swansea no, Norwich, bollocks no, definitely QPR will stay up. Wigan can go down instead. But it might be Blackburn, too. Can four teams go down if they’re all really crap? Blackburn don’t know what they’re doing, they’re run by chicken farmers! Bonkers! What do they know about football?
Finally, I’ll put something about how it’s been a long two and half months wait, but the premier league season is back and how great the start of the season is; like Christmas morning but with more pies and fat blokes with their shirts off. Because really we’re all just desperately yearning to fill the dark void of daily consciousness with something trivial and banal, so as to avoid thinking about the realities we face each day as we get older, stupider and less relevant. That and we have to have something to say at the pub in a loud voice.